Mother's Day reflection

I don't like Mother's Day. Don't get me wrong, I am not against taking time to tell those who are important to us how much they mean. My struggle has more to do with what one should do on days like this when the person to be honored carries very little emotional weight. I have tried for years to honor my mom because she did the best she could, but some 15 years ago she stopped being a mom to me. It was even before that when I had already had moved out of the house that I missed my mom. The "momminess" that a young adult, new mother could benefit from really didn't come. I missed out and so have my children.

I am envious of those who go on and on about how awesome their moms are, how wonderful their relationship is and the wonderful impact their moms have made. I wonder briefly what I may have done wrong that kept my mom and I from such wonderfulness. Sometimes I am angry at the way things are because I wonder what it would be like to have a mom to call and laugh with, to share crazy kid stories, to ask advice from, to really believe she cared about me, my life and my family. It took many years to accept her for who she is, to forgive her for not being who I wanted her to be and to choose to love her despite it all. This love though is a love of choice not of warm fuzzy memories and connectedness. Love after all is not a feeling.

So, here's the deal. I want to learn from those around me. I want to learn from those who succeed and from those who are lacking. I want to glean all the lessons from their lives so I can choose more wisely. I choose to be grateful for my mom because I have learned much from her. I have learned that she sacrificed much at the tender age of 16 to be a mom. I learned that she sacrificed her young adult life raising three girls and being married to a man she struggled to live with. I realize that she put aside a career, her dreams, her whims to parent. While over time, I believe these things wore on her and became obligation, she stuck with it for the three of us ...the best she could. While I don't yet understand much of our relationship, I am today who I am in part to her choices. This part of my life experience that helps me to better understand the phrase where God says he desires mercy (love), not sacrifice. I am grateful for the sacrifices my mom made, grateful for the love that was shown, but in the end, I too prefer mercy(love) over sacrifice that comes from obligation. How can I translate this lesson into how I view my relationship with God? It will be something to work toward in learning to love better, out of passion, desire and choice rather than obligation or sacrifice. I want to love God so I can in turn love others well.

Breaking family strongholds can be difficult. Watching the relationship with my grandmother with her mom as I child, I saw emotional disconnect. This is similar to what I witnesse between my grandmother and my mom. For my daughter, she likely sees the same between my mom and I. What can I do different. How can I set an example of how to emotionally connect to my daughter and stay connected. It seems from my perspective that much of the emotional disconnect is rooted in either self preservation or selfishness. Either way, self is way to important.